“I just needed you to know when in front of you, I feel invincible.”-You Me At Six
So, I have a confession, you guys. While I know that I’m not the only one who is guilty of this, I’m just going to come out and admit it. For a long time, I lied. I don’t know which is worse: the fact that I lied to myself or that I lied to everyone else. I put up a really good front that made it seem like I was in this great relationship, therefore I was happy with my life. Maybe this is airing out my dirty laundry. Maybe this is too much. But right now, this is what I need to do for me. So here it is.
I wasn’t happy. At the time, it was so much easier to send out happy tweets and post happy pictures than it was for me to just be honest. Part of me thinks it was an age thing. Part of me thinks it was a vanity thing. But, all of me knows that it was a fear thing. Things weren’t always the peachiest and as much as I tried to hide it, deep down I knew the truth. And the ones who really knew and loved me knew it too. Don’t get me wrong. It wasn’t all bad. There was plenty of good and I will never forget those things. But mostly, I’m going to remember the lessons I learned. In the 365 days of being 23 I learned this:
- Timing is everything. Things will happen when they’re suppose to. Don’t rush it. Be patient (I’m still working on this one). You could be a day away from having your life suddenly work out how it’s suppose to. Wait for it. It will be worth it.
- Things happen for a reason. Don’t try to figure out the reasons because sometimes they take longer than expected. Just trust that there is a reason for why things happen when they do.
- Speak up. Ask questions. Tell people how you feel and what you think. Hold nothing back. Life is too short.
- People don’t change unless they really want to. Trying to change someone else is harder than working to change yourself. Don’t take it personally when someone can’t be what you need them to be. It’s not your fault.
- Give as much as you take. And if you aren’t getting as much as you’re giving, get the hell out.
It took a whole lot of guts to come out and say it, but finally I did. When you realize what it means to really be happy, you regret ever pretending you were happy to begin with. It wasn’t easy and it wasn’t fun, but all the crap I had to go through to get here was well worth it. I read the books. I did the deep breathing. I even tried to be Buddhist for a minute. But then one day I woke up, looked over at the person next to me and felt like rainbows were radiating all the way from my eyeballs down to my toes. The last few months have been some of the best of my entire life. I don’t know if it’s because of the people who have since walked in and out of my life, or just that I have finally become comfortable with myself, my choices, and my mistakes. Whatever it is, if 24 is only half as good as the last half of 23, that’s fine by me.
Blink 182 was right: nobody likes you when you’re 23. 23 was rough. But 23 was the biggest, most influential year of my life so far and it makes me excited to experience the next 24 years with more knowledge and strength than I know what to do with just yet 🙂