My Grown Up Christmas List

“Maybe only in our blind belief can we ever find the truth.”

IMG_5672So it’s currently 4am and I can’t sleep. Zoe is passed out on my feet and Moxie is snuggled up on my shoulder (maybe this is why I have trouble sleeping?). Every year at this time, I’m asked the same question: what do you want for Christmas? Since my sister just got home from college, her shopping started a little later than usual. The other day, I was laying on the couch and she looked at me and asked what I wanted. I said nothing because honestly, there’s nothing I really need. But the question kept coming up and finally I decided that I know what I want. It took me until now, at 4am 5 days before Christmas, but I think I finally know.

Dear Santa,

Hi. I know it’s a little late in the game to be doing this, but I finally know what it is I want for Christmas this year. Between the holiday cards and the Facebook posts, I’ve been bombarded by the idea of the perfect Christmas. Is it really any wonder we’re all a little crazy this time of year? The more I think about it, the more I realize that it’s not just at Christmas time that it’s like this—it’s all the time. With so many different ways to share with the world what’s going on in our lives (not that I personally don’t utilize almost all of them), we’re constantly flooded with expectations of how we should be living. And I get it. We’re human. It’s only natural that we want to hide the ugly. We don’t want to let everyone know what’s wrong in our lives. We only want to show what’s suitable for the picture frame. But this Christmas, let’s be real. Let’s be honest. Let’s not send the Christmas letters with all of our achievements from this year. Let’s tell everyone where we went wrong. We get so wrapped up in this idea of perfect that we forget to see what’s really there. Not the very best version and not the very worst, but that happy medium version there, right in the middle. The real.

IMG_5680Santa, I’ve had my share of ups and downs this past year. When I turned 24, life changed. I ended a relationship and started another. I got laid off and didn’t work for a month. I was lazy and probably drank a little too much at times. I didn’t run when I said I would. I let myself down. I let my insecurities get the best of me. I doubted myself and some of the decisions I’ve made. I fell head over heels and got carried away with the idea of perfection and forgot to see what was right in front of me. I let someone see the best of me, and then the absolute worst. I lost my patience (not that I ever had much to begin with) and pushed someone away. I took 3 steps forward, then 5 steps back. But where I ended up, where I am now, is far better than any place I could have ever tried to find on the “perfect” path. I found my middle. I found my real. And I’m happy with it.

This Christmas, I want another chance to show people what’s real. It doesn’t have to be right away. You don’t have to make sure that the chance is wrapped in a bow under my Christmas tree in the morning. But I’d really appreciate with the new year, came a chance to start over. Keep the good, forgive the bad, and love the real.





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