“I never meant to start a war. I just wanted you to let me in. And instead of using force, I guess I should’ve let you win.”-Miley Cyrus
Good morning loves! First, let me start off by thanking each and every one of you for all your support about my post on Wednesday. There was no way to prepare myself for the overwhelming number of texts, calls, comments, and emails I received after sharing my story. Wednesday was almost, if not more, emotional than the shoot itself. You all made me feel so loved and made me realize that I was doing the right thing in sharing this secret. The one comment that I seemed to receive the most was that I never looked like I had an eating disorder. Even at my skinniest, 123 pounds, I didn’t look anorexic. But eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes. Obesity is an eating disorder. Over-consumption of food is just as much of a health hazard as under-consumption. Just because someone doesn’t look like they have an eating disorder, doesn’t mean they aren’t suffering. The drastic measures I took to control and restrict myself for the sake of being skinny (3-4 hours in the gym and 300-500 calories a day), was by no means normal. And to be completely honest, I still struggle with it daily. You don’t ever fully recover from having an eating disorder. Sure, your coping mechanisms and ways of looking at your body and your relationship with food change, but it never goes away completely.
My greatest struggle, in all I do, is finding balance. I’m an all or nothing kind of girl. I either give all of my heart in relationships, or run in the opposite direction. I give 100% or 0%-there is no in between for me. Sometimes that’s great, other times it gets me into trouble. When it comes to an eating disorder, balance is vital to recovering. In my head, I know what a balanced life looks like. I know that I want to live, eat and breathe that balance. Yet some days, it’s really hard. If I’m having a bad day, I either want to stuff my face with crap and crash on the couch, or I want to chug diet soda, eat nothing, and work out to the point of exhaustion. When I feel like I’m losing control of something (or someone), the first thing that I turn to in order to gain that feeling of control is my body and what I put in/out of it. Because that’s safe and no one can take that away from me. But that also isn’t healthy…at all.
I’m in a constant state of recovery. I don’t want this blog to be taken over by that, but it’s a huge part of my life. Having this blog allows me to be accountable for the things I say and do. I’m hoping that by sharing some of the things I’m going through, I can help someone else out who may be struggling too. It’s nice to know in this crazy world, there’s someone who gets you.
On to some happy thoughts. My best friend since grade school is coming to visit me this weekend and we’ve got lots of fun planned. Saturday night will definitely be girls night out and I can’t wait because honestly, we haven’t really had too many of those lately. She’s bringing Margo with her and I can’t wait to take my little pumpkin out to enjoy the nice weather. Have a wonderful weekend, you guys!