“The grave that you refuse to leave, the refuge that you’ve built to flee is the place that you’ve come to fear the most.”-Dashboard Confessional
My beautiful loves. It’s time for a little confession. I’ve been struggling. For some reason, the past two weeks have been kicking my butt, emotionally and physically. I don’t always publish every little detail and spill every little truth, but every now and then, I just need to let it out. Today is gonna be all about that.
My cousin is getting married this weekend. My cousin and I are only a few months apart and share lots of mutual friends, most of whom will be at the wedding. I know that there will be lots of people I haven’t seen in a while. A few ex boyfriends, a handful of long-lost high school friends. I should be excited to see everyone and to celebrate such a special time in my family’s life. But instead, I’m worried about how I’m going to look and what everyone is going to think when they see me. This will be the first time that I’m seeing these people after my Rewrite Beautiful shoot. Although I received nothing but love and support after the shoot, I still always wonder if people look at me and now only see an eating disorder. Or maybe they’ll look at me and think that I look as bad as I’ve been feeling the past couple of weeks. A couple of years ago, I would have spent months starving and over-exercising to get my body where I thought it should be for this wedding. I would have driven myself absolutely crazy and made myself sick chasing my idea of the perfect weight. Today, I don’t have that same drive. That voice in my head isn’t as loud as it once was. And while that makes me happy, it also makes me sad and a little bit scared. My OCD and anxiety are what drove most of my behaviors when it came to my eating disorder. Now that I’m treating both, I have to dig deeper and find a new source of motivation to keep myself on track. That’s a really scary thought. What if I can’t and I keep getting stuck in ruts? Will I ever be able to find the balance I need to keep myself mentally and physically healthy?
I found an old article on my TimeHop that I posted this time last year. This article says everything I need to keep my head clear and keep myself actively recovering. Be happy now. Stop believing your own bullshit. Stop with the crazy making.